three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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