Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
