I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
