There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
