So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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