the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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