I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
