i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
