DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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