you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
