I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
