so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
