apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
