her vagine was all disorganized.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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