the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
