I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
