Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
