On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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