She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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