I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
