Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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