i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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