If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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