I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Did I show you my penis last night?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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