Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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