if i can run in heels then i can drive
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
