Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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