I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
