I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
