I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
