i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
