There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
