UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
