Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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