You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
