Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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