my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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