I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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