Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
