the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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