my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
