I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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