i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
