Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
