I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
