Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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