I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
