Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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