Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
