If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
