Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
