Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
