a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
