Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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