You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
