Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
