1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
