I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
