Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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