I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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