Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
