god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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